BREAKING GODDAMN NEWS: Boehner Fails Miserably at Being Human Being

Oh, John, you putrid, orange, weepy fuck. You’ve managed to screw up the entirety of America yet again! 110612_boehner_cries_ap_465

There you were, acting all hunky-dory about how much of a hardass conservative champion you were. You was tha KING of the Congressional lunchroom to be sure, son! Shovin’ Patrick Leahy’s  face in his Personal Pan Pizza(TM), and giving ‘ol  Barney Frank one last wedgie before he heads home (he liked it, by the way.)

Then you just cold stroll into the Oval Office, ’bout to blow that muthafuggin’ President’s GATDANG mind with your new fiscal policy. You even get the dude to cave a little bit, so more of your friends who own NASCAR teams and have binders full of women won’t be so sad come next year. You’re pretty stoked, drivin’ back to the Capitol in your fine-ass Honda Accord. You really did tell that dealer the good ‘ol “what for,” and ended up getting a pretty fucking sweet deal on a 36 month lease. That’s smart thinking, Johnny Boner.

So you get to the House chamber, slap that motherfuggin’ policy on the counter, and all the peeple in the GOP say HELL NAW. What went wrong, Boners? You did everything right! You got the President somewhat not pissed at you, you probably promised some bridges to nowhere for some people, and you played the strong, confident type. Now it all comes crashing down. Oh, Bones, how are ya gonna impress the House now? You’re just gonna be that guy who didn’t spring for the VTEC in that Accord. Barney Frank has one, why don’t you go ask him about how it feels when it kicks in, yo?

Jesus, that was a long little tirade. I’m definitely drunk, pals.


Photo Credit: Associated Press

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